Reconnected with My Roots

Darker days were coming, for as long as I could remember. It was cold too, I am sure. I never thought that being away from people you are so used to being around can feel this gut-wrenching. For all I know, it should have been a fun ride living the American dream. 

 

Still very clear to this day, when I felt so low in my life because I failed my first bar exam and my then-boyfriend left me, still, my fingertips couldn’t really type to reach out to them. Maybe it was just the thought of all these differences; time, culture, language. I sometimes feel that it was a reverse culture shock. Or maybe it was simply not knowing what had happened with them for all that time I was gone. I just felt too awkward to rekindle with them. The 14-hour time difference of course does not make it any better. 

 

I don’t even want to talk about my mom passing. Those messages, missed calls, and condolences flowers I received by my door gave me more feelings than just the sadness from my mom passing. I couldn’t really explain that feeling to this day but if I had to, it was that kind of pain that you felt right through your bones. It was exhausting. Yet, I didn't know how to react to it.

 

Expectation is a silent killer so I know better to not expect being able to share any deep connection anymore. I am lucky if I can even connect at the same level with them.

 

But my god, being a lucky woman is such an understatement. There is no “how have you been” question, it went straight to “so tell me, what is going on now?” and the night turned into dawn just like that. The hugs, from one snippet of life update to another. Sometimes we jumped back to the old days. I felt bad because I sometimes fell asleep in the middle of exchanging stories. I was in the middle of a business trip so I was so wiped.

 

It was still that easy. So easy that I didn't need to explain myself. I am truly lucky to live on the best of both sides of the world.

 

I don’t think my friends will ever know how much it means to me to be welcome back like that. As though they were telling me, “I still got you”. In my head, I mumbled, “thank you for letting me pick up where we left off, 5 years later”.